Sunday, September 28, 2014

My First Date

Yes, you read the title right...I have had my first date since leaving Mr. A.S.S.Y.  and regaining my freedom and my sanity.  Yes, please congratulate me because this was a really big deal in my little world.   It wasn't an uncomfortable thing for me to do at all, since I've been getting to know this fella in a friendly way all Summer.  When he finally moved things in that direction, it wasn't a completely terrifying thought, because I knew I always had fun being in his company.  But if you would have asked me about dating last December-April...I would have told you to go fuck yourself, because I was never gonna do that again.  But here it is September and I'm whistling a different tune.  That's where the really big deal part comes in.  Go me!!

tumblr_mynmj8N0HT1qzdi59o1_500

So, I know you are all just dying to know how my Saturday night date went?!  Well, the whole date was great but my three favorite parts were 1. locking him out of the car and laughing while he was pumping gas as I sat inside the car ( oh yes, I'm evil) 2. holding his hand 3. the way he kissed me goodnight. What?? Were you expecting me to say...the food?? :)

tumblr_mxkqn1Ljmo1qzdi59o1_500

Then he left and I proceeded to have a good, short cry in the shower.  It wasn't that I was sad or upset,  I just never in my life thought I would be where I am.  You see, I'm a very loyal kind of girl.... and even though I'm legally separated, working on my divorce, and haven't seen Mr. A.S.S.Y. since March, it still felt a little weird.  It just felt like I did something really, really bad...and then I realized it was really, really fun and I would love to do something really, really fun again on another date!  Go me!!

tumblr_mwe9xzROaK1qzdi59o1_r1_500


I know you're all thinking, Wow MaryD, that sounds great!! But wait a sec because I haven't gotten to the part where I run away yet!  And yes, there is that part to tell.  You see, through a few text message exchanges later that week, my "friend" that I went on the date with, disclosed that he has  2 ladies he "talks to" to kill the time as he waits for his "keeper" girl.  But one of them he was getting ready to "kick to the curb" because she was nothing but "drama".  Can you say OUCH!  Can you say stomach twisted into a knot.  Can you say flash back to December 6, 2013, when I read some text messages that made me feel the same way, just more in a "hey my fucking life as I know it is over and I might as well walk out into a snow bank, close my eyes, and just go to sleep" kinda way.  Then I just let myself sit with that uncomfortable feeling all day.  I thought well, at least he told me, he could have easily just hide it from me, but I do wish he would have told me before the date, before I let myself like him.  So, now what do I do?  Do I want to be the number "3" girl he "talks to" to kill the time as he waits for his "keeper" girl?  Do I want to get "kicked to the curb" when I annoy him to much?  My answer... NO, I FUCKING DON'T....if I wanted to be that to someone, I would have stayed married to Mr. A.S.S.Y.


dang

So what did MaryD do?  She pulled the bell and got of the bus!  This is the part where I run away!! Yes, I feel sad and disappointed but I also feel kinda glad, because I learned something really important by knowing him.  I discovered my love for myself again.  It's still there people!! I deserve someone that protects my feelings, that thinks it's great just seeing me and isn't worried about what else might be out there that's better!  I'm irreplaceable and some day some one is going to realize that...and it's gonna be when they have me and not when I'm gone!  And I'm gonna love locking him out of the car and laughing when he's pumping gas, holding his hand, and kissing him good night too...but the best part is, he'll feel the exact same way about me too!

So, that's the story of my first date.  Everyone has a life to live and everyone can choose to live it anyway they want to.  I'm not here to judge anyone.  At another point in my life, maybe I would have been okay with sharing and being someone's "something to do" but at the place I'm at now and with what I've been through, I'm just not.  And that's okay too! 

XOXO,
MaryDeluxe


All fun cartoons borrowed from.....Comically Vintage
P.S. Dear lawyers the definition of the Acronym Mr. A.S.S.Y. means Mr. Assembly because he liked to put things together....yup that's exactly what that means no need to send a letter! :)

16 comments:

  1. Bravo for you!! I wish I had figured all of that out when I was much younger. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We learn lessons when we are suppose to learn them I guess....at least we learned them!

      Delete
  2. You have a good attitude. He could have been a serial killer or married man from Plenty O' Fish! Good luck on the next date!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha oh he wasn't any of those things, I met him through a friend and I do really miss his friendship and to be fair to him, he's not an awful person at all...he's just going in a different direction from the direction I want to go. I truly hope he finds what ever it is he thinks he's looking for.

      Delete
  3. You GO, girl! Very proud of the decision you made!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just proud that I'm listening to my little voice again. Since she was lost for so long and I neglected to stand up for how I truly deserved to be treated for all those years it's quite empowering to know I still have her and she can speak up again.

      Delete
  4. I am glad you pulled the bell and got off the bus!!!!! So sorry that you never got to see if he was the right one but you did the right thing!!! :) (Monica)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The right one? Oh you mean the one that I finally shot and got jail time for...right? That right one! lol Thanks Monica :)

      Delete
  5. I was having a conversation with my sister who is in a similar situation recently as in "You are allowed to go out on dates and have fun you know, it doesn't have to be love ever after, it can be no more than just fun for a while" I think it's very important after a destructive relationship to learn to love and value yourself again, but there is no need to be a hermit whilst you do it. I think it's equally important not to plunge into anything to serious too soon. Just enjoy life and enjoy yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely realize that this whole texting conversation triggered a response in me that was actually way bigger than just this fella I went on a date with. It really isn't about him at all it's about what happened to me and healing that brokenness inside of me. Thankfully I'm not on any kind of schedule...but sometimes things come up and I just need to take a step back.

      Delete
  6. This was a really great post. You are such an inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Not to get all New Age Woo-Woo, but sometimes I think the universe takes awhile to "catch up" to our evolutionary phases, and throws the same old stuff at us again -- maybe just to test our sincerity when we say "no more of THAT, thank you!" I had some of the same weird echo-y experiences, which gave me a chance to really articulate in a crystal-clear manner what my expectations were. My mantra became "I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to be with someone who makes me feel any less than cherished." And eventually it's as if the cosmic reply was "okay, gotcha!" and the string of lame dumbASSYS finally came to an end, and I met that cherishing fella. I just know someone who deserves you is waiting right 'round the bend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe we truly meet people in our lives for reasons. They teach us things we need to learn about ourselves if we are open enough with ourselves to do so. I can honestly say that I consider myself so lucky to have had the opportunity to become friends with this fella and I do miss the fun friendship we established....but......I must not forget that my first obligation is to work out changes in my own thinking patterns. My progress toward becoming a worthwhile human being depends on making these changes, and so does the improvement I long for in the circumstances of my life. I can change nothing but myself. If things are going wrong, or seem to be, maybe it's because of the way I'm reacting to them. If I accept that the principle source of my unhappiness is me, I'll be giving myself a good reason to do something about me. My happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else. Nor does my misery come from anyone but myself.

      Delete
  8. Good for you on both counts......being gutsy enough to take a chance on a first date, and being wise enough to know what you do and do not want. Your life is bound to get better and better!

    ReplyDelete